I work hard and have to masturbate sometimes to fall asleep. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. I had suggest different ways to have sex and she blew up, I was bored and suggested maybe trying different ways, right away I was a pervert and she called me names that shouldnt be repeated here and kicked out of bed. Many claim that its women who become dis- Cause it needs done. Someday I might take a sex vacation overseas. Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. Take what you can, now. I read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here. Since this is our first child, I dont even know whats normal and what isnt. i do not want to go outside the marriage so i guess living with the problem is the. She has a degree in journalism from Northwestern University, and shes been trained and certified by leading sex and relationship institutions such as The Gottman Institute and Everyone Deserves Sex Ed, among others. I am 64 years old and I have not had sex with my wife for about 7 years, she is 59 years old. All through this past Covid year, only one time did she come forward an say I need a hug. I am 62 years old and a healthy man with sexual needs. Am I undesirable? Ohh my! I have kept fit and kept busy. I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life. When your wife avoids physical contact, it could be because of resentment, 13. Wish I could off you more of a solution but I think things either go on the way they are or there has to be come conclusion. What should the husband do. Im throwing my partner out the door due to his rants and anger over lack of sex. What is the solution? Its all a crock. Im only 63 and Ive pretty much just given up. Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. Life is definitely funny. Both Men and women slow down there sex drive but women sex drive is so on the back burner and frankly they dont care about mens sex drive needs. I agree with Roger, I get more laughs, and more insight, from the comment section! While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. We have been married 10 years and he has never touched me in an intimate way, or never had sex or even tried. The last time we had sex with lubrication, she complained of pain and suggested that beyond a few minutes, she was not interested. If you love the person you will probably end up in the suffer category, unfortunately. Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. Its incredibly painful!!!! I enjoy sex, but I am often fatigued and have low energy. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. Are there any people at all who have actually solved this any other way apart from no more proper sex or divorce? he is very persistent. Most woman will get turned off by men putting us down and there is no way we will reward you by having sex with you and if you wait until the next day to be s jerk after having sex with make less likely for you to get I. Sigh . He is a kind man and I love him. Same issue here. I went elsewhere a few years back. Please go find someone else to enjoy sex with if you can. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? But this woman kept me in her heart and mind for fifty years. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. That may not be possible. He needs to get his hormone levels tested as he is mostly estrogen dominant and low test. So, Thomas maybe your right they must be doing it wrong. Were currently stuck at #3, but I have a feeling #1 is gaining ground and will ultimately prevail. You should know the truth brother. How should I phrase it? Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. She never apologized. The two C words! 16 years being married. My husband has no sex drive at all. If a couple's sex life continues to follow a routine that doesn't tend to feel good for the woman, she may lose interest in having sex entirely. Nothing physical. Dont you love anything? Hello Hawkeye I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex. I cant say all women are like this but the handful I have been with do not talk about what feels good to them or what they would like me to do and/or do differently. A lack of emotional connection can make it hard for women to establish physical intimacy, even with their own life partner. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. Are you crazy? We have been convinced to settle and accept less. An underlying, undetectedmental health issue can affect sex drive. Weve been married for 26 years, she is 51, and she has had maybe 4 years total where she was interested in sex. Husband even can not touch her, let alone touch to arouse her. Im leaving when I can stash away the cash. If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance. Im so confused. And I am one of those. I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. Invariably, its a case of emotional intimacy missing. He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: He (so far) said no. Anyway, I simply want you to know that as many women as men are trapped in this sadness. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. She will sit in bed on her phone though. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. * PLATFORM OR CMS. Every study I have ever seen says its over twice as likely for the woman to be the one withholding. Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. Its super annoying if he touches my breasts because I get aroused and then we just cant get it going and then so much unanswered frustration comes. There are books that can help guide you. During the first twenty- five years of our marriage we were both church goers and sent our son to Catholic schools, but we both now feel that religion doeset always have all the answers. Be caring. But we are kidding ourselves if we somehow justify a womans position requiring fidelity in a sexless marriage. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. How about just being happy with love and affection? BIG mistake. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. Hasnt been for 15 years. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? I only basically feel good enough to have pretty good days. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) Married a little over 50 years! He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. I hope you two can work it out. Regards Glenn. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! I think Im in love and theres no turning back. Needless to say, both of us are feeling a renewed awareness of who we were and now are. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. She would use the excuse of my children may interrupt, although I would point out we have a lock on the door. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy, 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse Spice Up YourMarriage, 200 Newlywed Game Questions For That Instant Bonding, 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation, Why Is Marriage Important? I am not happy at not having anymore sex in my life at age 64, but I do care for her and she does care for me, not in the sexual way of course. The nipple is not an on and off switch. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. Let the in-laws or best friend care for your children for a day or two. That lie: its not important, only if you want it. 17) She doesn't try to make you feel better anymore. A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. It hard to bud out. If he wont go, go on your own to express your feelings fully and evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage and, if so, what can be done to improve it. Dear Joan, I chose the platter for one. I am desperate. and hugs when one of us leaves the house. I met a man at work a while back, he was attracted to me, he was in a sexless marriage (so he said). Those hormones can cause cancer. Quite frankly, I feel like he has been and is being cheated. My husband spent hundreds of hours on his phone coming up with scenarios to cope with a diagnosis of peyronies that has impacted our ability to have sex, but has never once gone to you tube to figure out how to give me an orgasm! I offered my husband a quick and easy as possible divorce. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. I told him we could stay married/faithful to each other without any type of sex/sexual contact. No intimacy!!! It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. So all should take care on this. Men dont want to force their wives into sex, nor do they want to beg for it. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? Thomas, I agree! the women stop trying once you give them what they want. I desire tenderness and affection, not just an orgasm. Pls look this up to see if this is you. There is simply no point in brushing the problem under the carpet. The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. Leave her, even if youre alone. Please explain to me. She does something she HATES because she loves me, but cant do something she supposedly ENJOYS for 8.5 years. You have to find a life without him. She has become a roommate and a friend, but not a wife that gives me the joy and love we used to have. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy and work through your issues together, as a team. Remember what you felt, believed, and why. I think the resolve here is to tell the parent who is confiding in you to seek professional help, and then bud out. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. My biggest problem is that my wife is very, very against porn and at my age I cannot attempt to relieve my tension without it as a point of focus. Wow! My husband is 46 gringo! The first step is to communicate with your partner about what you think you might be lacking. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. You should make an effort to equally share the responsibilities because you care about her and your relationship, not because you hope it'll win you sex. We never had sex before marriage and on our wedding night he rolled over and went to sleep. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Its not always the woman who has no interest. Or make a deal with him, sounds very strong at 76. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. It is sad and hurtful and I felt she only did me favor to have sex with me.. We have 3 young kids so divorce is not an option and I had been sleeping in guest room for almost 6 months now.. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? My wife and I lost our beloved son several years ago. Stan, Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. And that's perfectly fine! We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. Holding on and hoping we can work it out, for now Im giving him space. Finally someone is pointing out this is not a divided hate forum. Many seniors are in the same situation and we feel your pain. It has worked for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to just giving up. I figured this was my life, deal with it and shut up. Now its Im sore there. I brought this up in premarital counseling. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. She told me a few years ago that she felt sorry for me because of her lack of sexual desire. Why do men who want more sex end up insulting someone who has a pet? Sadly so, leave! She told me after having foreplay she thinks her vagina is dead because nothing arouses her. We are both active and healthy. He will not talk about that either. Introspect a little and see how invested you are in her pleasure. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. Just as women receive and need emotional connection, men provide a different way of showing their connection to their woman. Every time he gets mad he threatens to move out. Four years of treatment, a fried heart valve replacement due to radiation. My current wife was 49 and I was 54 when we met and sex was twice a day for over a year, When she proposed to me, I raesoned that she was a good friend and sex was more then satisfactory, so I accepted. Ive tried to convey this, but without success. If it were just about sex, I wouldve left a long time ago. Could I just ask the question? The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. My husband stopped 25 years ago when he couldnt get it up. Only you can decide if this is right for you. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. It is now marketers more to females also, which isnt improving relationships. Shes always saying how bad she feels about it but but never offers to do anything. Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. I can live with that, but I can not live with never being touched or made love to ever again. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. Dont fool yourself into thinking that what you say or how you say it will somehow turn her back on. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? LoL. I have no idea what to do. :(, Wow Chris D!! They (we) act most often as though we men are not capable of rational/sentient thought. This really sucks. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. She may give in from time to time to satisfy her man, but the drive is gone. I am 64 and met a 75 widower for 13 years whom exercises, takes a natural supplement to help with blood flow, and takes occasional viagra. Or you can try and find a willing partner. She NEVER asks but will tell me I can have it whenever I want. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter. What about the years of devotion? Foreplay isnt just in the bedroom before sex. I end up feeling bad about this as I think I should not be obsessing about it as she often says. Four in five couples dealt with a desire discrepancy1 in the past month, according to one 2015 study. So our sex lives dwindled until around 15 years ago she realized a more regular sex life might be a good thing. **Women are constantly told to shut up and accept. 90% of the letters I read, could have been mine. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. Makes me happy Im not married. One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex. This is hard, because of my upbringing and the fact she is a wonderful person in every other way. . She is against the idea of therapy. Avoiding divorce, men have two choices, acceptance/celibacy or cheating. Take care of yourself. Hope now your problem will be solved. Is the meds freak Im a woman that actually wants it my newlywed husband has no interest but I can tell he feels bad but hes ex military so hes to prideful to get pills Im 41 i been told a lot that Im beautiful .. ok not going there but I know Im a catch but even making him food in a nighty doesnt work he says wow babe thanks am like . If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort. I used to ride, but geez that gets old and is still a problem because of the size and lack of hardness. Weekly turned into Monthly then every 3 or 4 months question about sex. I understand completely!!!! Susan I think many men would find your comments upsetting. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. It is more like a revenge. Your children can/will respect only what they see and experience. But she is just not sexually attracted to me. I appreciate the fact that my wife has stayed with. Yes, we are accused of such, and rightly so quite often; but, no, we are sentient, thinking human beings. I have many friends in this situation. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. But I still love my wife dearly and have no desire to cheat on her. Women don't always want to necessarily take care of their husbands, but when they love you, they do. Amen. If your wife never initiates sex, its time to bring out your inner charmer and start romancing your wife. It is more than frustrating it is emotionally and physically painful. My ex was 16 years younger then me. We often have no relationship with our partner outside of that shared with the children," OB/GYN Susan Hardwick-Smith, M.D., writes in her book Sexually Woke. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. The comments given above is very true. Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. Her duty? Sometimes I just want fuck all night long but the woman I love has no interest. Nowadays due to the requirement of Adult Mens Sex Toys, different kind of online retailer store like Lovecubby available for a variety of high-quality sex toys for men & women that everyone can love. If you search my wife wont touch me sexually, it may be time to stop thinking about sex and start thinking about dating. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. Any discussion goes nowhere. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving. I just accept that I could not control it and that it is Gods will for me. The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. I am 60 and my wife has zero interest in sex, was never real sexual, but after menopause, it is zero. Honey I can assure you 100% hes not doing without sex hes at the prime age to have sex I couldnt tell you why he didnt wanna have sex with you but Im going through the same thing with my wife. We have done counseling and it always comes back to my issues which I work on but have never seen any change from her. Post-menopausal sex, for many women, is a meal offering little flavour or nutrition. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? But then she had a full hysterectomy to further reduce her hormone production, and from then on, sex has all but stopped. 10. You need to be in the counseling with her because if there is no goal to overcome the issue then its just a feel good talk of sympathy and thats not treatment. I ask why she said it is just how it is. with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. 7 years no sex!!! 2009 - 2023 MindBodyGreen LLC. I am now trying to get into health club manament and the barriers for that seem less difficult. Women provide fertility, nurturing, and resourcefulness. It feels like torture just coming here and reading because it makes me want some so badly I dont know what to do. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. Your wife has become conscious of her body, 8. Marriage is a dream or a fantasy. If the lack of interest becomes an ongoing pattern, consider any of the above potential reasons. My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. Very true! How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Praying for these husbands. I think that for me I need the human touch of a mature woman. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. She mentioned that I find a sex partnerI dont know. All rights reserved. And I cook, shop for food, take care of dogs and have. As for me, never. We try vaginal sex sometimes but even lubing doesnt help all that much. She always had 2 orgasms before me. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! Try a new sexual position, make more of an effort to engage in foreplay, or introduce new outfits or props into your sex life. I mean how do you do that if your married? To me, hes practicing classic avoidance and he simply closes up emotionally. I sure want too. Willsounds like you live in the stone agesworks for you.but most woman like a say in whether they would like to be touched or not. All he needs is that wonderful little blue pill. That doesnt mean you should not try, but know when trying is of no use. In my case our problems are ever deeper in that ours is a Love /Hate relationship. There are physical and emotion consequences to withholding sex from a partner. The wife does not want to start sex and me asking her OVER and OVER and OVER got to her and her rejections and excuses got to me felt like there is always some excuse. But if neither of those possible remedies to the sexless marriage proves satisfactory, then perhaps the couple should agree to allow the husband to seek sex outside of the marriage. The distance could be herway of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. I am really starting to think that sex was not made for pleasure, but for reproduction and when the reproductive years end for a woman, so does her desire for sex diminishes or ends and men that still have a desire, suffer in silence or become broke from a divorce and visiting prostitutes. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. Prostitutes are not a good option since all the bad stuff in the sex industry world and I feel that I am too old to move on and I am not a chick magnet. We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. Rob you are right on, God set this up with every male, as we get older the desire goes down but not away. In this new gynocentric west, the only answer is to find non-western women or women who were not raised in the west. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. We havent had sex in over a year and a half because of my wifes lack of interest. Try to keep things fun and adventurous between the sheets so that your wife is unable to resist you. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. Then she wakes and l turn my head to see her reach across pick up the phone and begin scrawling through and tapping away. I dont know why Im still here. I stumbled here because my wife shows or accepts zero affection , caring or appreciation. When I was single it didnt bother me I just figured I was easily bored sexually. Or when she does get in the mood again 45 minutes to get hard and going and he is done like always within a minute and he rolls over and goes to sleep. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. Id say he has some other issues. Life is way too short! Weve been married for 37 years. But when I try to go to the next level. Have you considered opening your relationship or swinging together? Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met.